"Open up and say AAaaaAhhHhh!!!~!~"

Every friend I have had told me that I was a hotel snob. No shit. I thought of myself as more of a common man, but they are correct. I must be more asshole than I thought. It is kind of weird that I am so particular on hotels because I have lived in some real shit holes in my day. Why can't I enjoy myself in hotel? I fuxing pay for it ! But seriously, if you are in the hotel industry you should really look at some of the important shits to do with your hotel.

1. Real Estate: Assume that I enjoy airing out my balls when I get out of the shower. Give me some room to loosen up.

2. Duvets: If they have comforter covers then that means they wash them everyday. If they have some floral cover over the bed, throw that in the hall using plastic gloves. Better yet, throw it at the corrider wall. If the semen doesn't get it to stick, the shit wipes will.

3. Air Conditioning: I don't care if you are in Iceland, you need air fuxing cond. I would like to be buried underneath my covers listening to that thing whiz.

4. Thick Drapes: There's nothin worse than getting woken up by a piercing ray of sunlight at 6 AM. I need both sides to connect and they have to be thick. Blackout baby.

5. Spectravision: One HBO Channel doesn't cut it. No child locks either. Call me crazy, but I would rather just hit the Select button rather than calling downstairs... "Can you fuxing switch the channel to ESPN?"

6. Diner on Premises: Open late as well. Breakfast served all day. Never know when you'll need a Penang Char Kuey Teow or Ipoh Yong Tau Foo.

7. Meticulous and Timely Cleaning staff: I will be treating your room like a pair of rental jet skis. A herd of elephants has nothing on me. After the daily destruction I will be in a coma for 12 hours so don't try any "Housekeeping. Oh you are still asleep" at 10 AM bullshit. When I stumble downstairs for my super delicious waffle you should understand that this is the time to pick up my room. Buff the throne with a fine chamy because I may stop in for a shit before my trip to the pool.

8. Late check out: This is very hard to find, but a huge bonus when allowed.

9. Big White Towels: The bigger the better. If I see a spot on it, I assume some guy, just like me, wiped his ass with it. Bleach it and clean it. I unconciously know that the towel I am using has been swiped thru some guy's ass, but I would prefer that thought to be repressed.

That's it. If you are in Hotel Management let me know if you need any tips. It is actually quite simple. The customer is a selfish baby. When I am hungry- I wanna eat, when I am full- I wanna shit, when I am tired- I wanna sleep. If you see a barrier that delays these needs, remove it.