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Friday, November 30, 2007
Action Speaks Louder
I think that I and the world around me have placed such a value on how much we make, we have started setting the values of our personal self by how much our paycheck is. I once thought the most important thing in this world is M O N E Y and the biggest challenge was making money. This year I paid considerably more in debts and other commitments than I once had as my hard-to-imagine-hitting income goal. And lately, I have more trouble in the income department - shits just happen.
I think my biggest problem is spending money productively. Woahhh only 100 bucks ? Whack it ! Woww so cheap, buy ! You know, shits like that. Being an adult is such an asshole. Everything works well when you were smaller, the finger biting, flying kites and spending days at the playground are a whole lot more fun. A friend of mine asked me to try go to the zoo, spend 2 hours staring at animals. Looking at elephant's big fat ass and how big animal poop could be so fascinating. So I guess I am not the only one having problem here, this friend of mine has a bigger problem than me! Action speaks louder than words. I should buck up, move my ass, fix my own boo boos and go to the zoo to enjoy more than just the poop, I guess that will be my biggest challenge.
I'm a skimmer. I feel a lot of initial excitement at first but then I get bored and want to move on to other subjects. Fux it this time, it's all about action and doing it now. I'm gonna make a vow. Something that I wrote and promised my love one before - to quit smoking by end of this year. That's the first shit I am gonna do. And secondly, to make bucks and make myself financially stable in 2 years time. I'm committed to keep both of them going. Shall see about it *grins evilly*
[8:41 AM]
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Surrendering Myself
Have you ever experienced a time in your life when everything seems to be going wrong for you? You probably have. In fact you may even be going through such a time now, just like me. Everything seems to be lost and I wonder if there are any steps I can take to push through the gloom into sunshine. I feel like giving up on every damn thing. It seems like everything is just too difficult and I have no confidence in anything I do.
Many things have happened. Perhaps the one that sticks out in my mind the most at the moment is the phone call I got yesterday saying that I did not get the job I had really thought I would have gotten. I must admit, I was really disappointed. Actually, it is pretty embarrassing because I had no where or anyone to go to so I just started walking with my head really low, the hood of my jacket pulled up and me just balling. And following this shit was my brother's case. He was cheated by his business partner, not too clear bout what happened but I know he was cheated a large sum of money. So basically, it's all about the family and personal bills - paying this and that. I think I have been on the verge of pressures and failures nearly my entire life. Not because I am not having fun, but just because this whole process is quite emotional.
Oftentimes the only way to get what you really need is to give up what you already have. It doesn’t seem to make sense but I think it’s true. This is a particularly difficult concept to pull off in such a materialistic world because our society uses money and material wealth as a measure of our value as people. In fact, strange things have been happening. When you open your eyes, feel the breeze on your face, and engage with a wide variety of people that you would probably not associate with if you had your closest friends near, you find that weird coincidences start occurring. Just the other day I got out from my car, when a lady and a man at their late 30's came up and asked money from me. Of course the first thing that came to my mind was they are just another bunch of cheaters trying to make extra bucks from me. I immediately rejected the conversation and went in to the cafe to find my friends. After 30 minutes, I got out from the cafe to have lunch with my friends and surprisingly the couple was still there sitting at the roadside. I saw tears on her face and the guy seems pretty upset about something. Trust me, even Grammy nominees not gonna get away with that kinda face expression. It was just so real, for real.
While I was waiting for my meal, I bravely stood up and walked towards them. I sat and talked ( I can't speak Mandarin well but I tried my best ) with both of them for nearly an hour about their living conditions, their struggles, etc. They were from China and had definitely experienced hardships in their life on this foreign soil. One thing that stood out in my mind was when she said that she has not been eating for 2 days and hesitated to say that she was depressed or sad because she knew that there were some people that didn't have food at all. I don't really catch everything they said because I'm not well verse with Mandarin but I guess I understood most of it since I asked them to repeat their words in slow motion. She was so depressed, so lost. They were both expelled from their job. Since she was open with me about everything, I invited them to join me and my friends for lunch. Dude, 6 plates of rice disappeared in minutes ! I've never seen anyone in hunger to that extend and devouring every single damn thing on the table. It was, as you can imagine, a sad bah ku teh cannibal experience.
After the meal, I gave them all I had in my wallet, 100 bucks. Not much but that was all I got at that moment. She cried and they both thanked me and my friends. Before they left, they asked for my contact number and I humbly gave them. I was informed by them that their parents will be here anytime and they will then have the money to pay me back. Oh well, I never really expect them to pay me back. After they left, my friends looked at me in a YOU-JUST-GOT-CHEATED way and grinned evilly at me. For a moment, I actually thought I was foolish enough to "help" them but come to think about it, what if they're really in that deep shit? Anyway, it's only 100 bucks and a meal.
So I got cheated? No. I got a call from an unknown number this morning. Yah, that lady in hunger ( she slapped 3 plates of rice ) called me. I went and meet them at the same restaurant where they historically slapped 6 plates of rice in minutes. Upon arriving, I was shocked to see a larger group this time. An additional of one old man, probably in his late 70's and I later found out he was the poor lady's father. The old man immediately shook my hands and passed me 200 fuxing bucks. I was astonished. They kept thanking me and I couldn't really understand what the old man was saying because his accent was so heavy. So I asked the restaurant boss to be my translator. The restaurant boss told me the old man wanted to spend me a meal and praised me for being such a nice lad ( yah I'm pretty nice sometimes ). So there I go, got back my money, an additional 100 bucks and a free meal ! And I only ate one plate of rice, not six !
I am very aware of my goals, who I am, and where I wanna go, but it isn't like being a doctor. It is much more organic and a lot of it relies on hard works. It makes for a terribly exciting time, I will say that much. Shits just happen.
[6:38 AM]
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Curse Ya !
Whoever did this I curse that you have 10 years of nitemare fuxing my car exhaust pipe!
[5:16 PM]
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Boring Saturday Nite
Saturday night and I'm at home eating ramen noodles, is that how it's supposed to be? I'm at home on a Saturday night, just me and my piles of boxes and stuff to sort through. I mean, I don't really have to sort through any of it right this minute, but I really have nothing better to do. A new hope while wasting time on nothing at all and just trying to escape the general bluesy fug that surrounds this evening.
And recalling the fact that I have a party to go to but have decided against it doesn't seem to help though it ought to, somehow. Add to that I tried to quit smoking today. Again. Lets see if i manage to quit end of this year. However there is a clause allowing for social smoking - another good reason I should be at that party right now. Maybe I should just open a bottle of Jack Daniels, smoke some cigar, peep at the girls dancing and enjoy myself. Or maybe I'll watch the fuxing Matrix one goddamm more time or Wong Fei Hung - whatever. At least there's a movie I would like to see on hash. Wow ! I almost feel euphoric now but all i need now is a pack of Jack N Jills, so I can bounce while watching the Matrix or Wong Fei Hung.
ARgghHhh fuxing boring, I think I'm gonna do something special for my next birthday. Let me premise this by saying, I do a lot of stupid fuxing things. I think I'm gonna go parachuting on my next birthday. It’s my way of saying, “Hello world, I’m still fuxing here! Hey biatch look ! I'm still here!". Yah I think it's cool.
[3:17 AM]
Friday, November 16, 2007
Riding a damm bike
I was on my way out from my home today and as I was reversing my car, I saw these 2 small brothers ( my neighbor's sons ) in the middle of the road. The elder brother said it was ok. He said to the younger brother that he would be fine. The elder brother was holding on tight. But I know thats what scared the little brother. I knew the elder brother was there holding on tight, keeping his little brother from falling. But i also knew that if the elder brother would let go, and the little brother would fall. The little brother would get hurt. I had this learning-how-to-ride-a-bicycle experience before and I know the little brother was more scared of his elder brother letting go of him, than of falling.
I was like seven years old when I first learn to ride a bicycle. My sister tried her best to teach me. Each time she would hold on to the bicycle, waiting for the right time to let go. But, I was scared. Each time she held on, I was dreading the second she would let go. Ohh fux no! Don't let go! Learning to ride a bicycle is a nightmare. I seemed to ride it perfectly, even when my sister wasn't holding on, as long as I didn't know about it.The second I realized she had let go, I would come crashing down.
Sheer frustration, prompted me to take the fuxing bicycle out on my own one day to see what would happen. I hesitantly put my right leg on the pedal, and thought long and hard before I took my other leg off the ground. OK, here we go baby. 2 seconds later, I came crashing down on the floor. It hurt, yes, but surprisingly I wasn't scared. A few falls later, a determined confidence came over me. I told myself that now I wouldnt fall. I took my legs off the ground and pushed at the pedal with as much force as I could. I was moving. Yes, I was wobbling, shaking at first but soon enough, the bicycle gained momentum.
As I moved, the wind breezed through my face, as though sharing the joy that I felt at that minute. It was sheer ecstacy to cut through the wind. It felt amazing to be in control of that thing, called my bicycle.The clinging sound of the bell was to me, the best sound I could ever hear. It was my way of announcing to the world that I had arrived too.The bicycle listened to me. It obeyed every command that I gave it. The faster I went, the better it made me feel. I wasn't falling down anymore. I could do it too. I could do it on my own.
When I reversed my car out from my house compound, I saw that little boy on a black bicycle with little stickers all over his bicycle. His elder brother, was holding on to him, gently cajoling him to move and not be afraid. It not only brought back a smile on my face, but also a plethora of memories. I smiled at the little boy, as I drove past him. I know that he will learn too. He will learn to ride the bicycle without someone holding on to him. He will also learn a lesson, that he would use through the rest of his life . It was just like riding the bicycle. Once u learn it, you never forget it. Its somewhere in some corner of the brain. We, sometimes just choose not to see it.
[6:34 AM]
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Return To Sender
Check this shit out, got it from a friend.
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving bastards at the Post Office.
[5:09 AM]
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
I Am Getting Married !
Yes! I'm getting married ! Getting married in a virtual realm ;) I'm getting married in this online game I'm currently attached to, RAN Online. My wedding is on this Saturday, 17 November 2007.
RAN Online is a fun simulation that gets some parts of life right. We all get cranky if we don't have enough fun, gold, armors etc. But when it comes to marriage, the game is very different. It's very simple, you only need a couple - a male and a female ( yet to see any gay or lesbian couple yet ). Then it is safe to turn on the heat, by sending out invitation cards to friends, guild members etc. Only those with invitational card will be able to enter the wedding hall. The couples will then change into wedding clothes and that's it! You can appoint your own best man, priest, etc. Ahhh and not to be forgotten, you can actually fire up some cool fireworks. Use your imagination. Once married, that's it! No divorce. They can, however, marry other players.
It's not the first time this sort of thing has been done, of course, but it is a strange little collision of our social gestures in the real world with the virtual one. Does it mean any less or more when two people commit to each other in virtual space rather than physical space? It's interesting that it's this one ritual, perhaps our most important and symbolic, that have made it into RAN Online. I've never seen a virtual funeral or graduation, but maybe that's the next big ritual to make the jump.
As a player, it's not really my thing (I find social interactions like weddings much more meaningful in the real world, and would rather leave the virtual world for things like fighting mobs and owning some asses), but there is obviously a draw for this kind of thing-- in almost every MMORPG, it pops up at one point or another. Heck, some folks have met through the Net and fallen for each other, and I know a couple of the success stories myself, just as I know of the not so successful ones. Stuff happens. And it happens
to me. [4:47 AM]
Monday, November 12, 2007
Sunday Updates
Earlier today a friend of mine asked why I decided to start a blog. If the question seeks to inquire my particular motive behind this movement or my frame of mind at that time, the most fitting answer would be, well, I can’t really tell. Seriously, I can't tell. Come to think about it, I think a blog would be an ideal place to keep track of my ever-flowing stream of thoughts, my day to day experiences or just simply jot down some of the most memorable ones in hope they could be of use later on, while simultaneously serve as a playground where I can hone my writing.
I don't have passion to write. Yet the more I write, the more I realize that there is much yet to learn, which in turn reinforces this very passion of mine. I dare not claim being a dedicated blogger or a good writer but at least I wanna learn and do something new - who knows I'll earn bucks from this. Nothing much to update, except that I am still jobless ( lazy ) and doing nothing much - just lazying around and counting the notes in my wallet getting lesser each day.
[3:09 AM]
Thursday, November 08, 2007
Happy Deepavali
[8:25 PM]
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
Perfect Wedding
How much do you need to get married? Engagement ring, wedding dinner, photos, angpow blah blah blah etc. You cant miss out the damn ring. Engagement rings have become such a love status symbol. After all who wants to be the girl who is only loved by 0.25 of a carat? The ring status fever has now spread to weddings. Dude, you have any idea how much a diamond ring cost?
The problem is that weddings in Malaysia are becoming increasingly commercial and homogenized. Each couple and their family trying to keep up or out do everyone else. What? your wedding spent only 30k? Ok lim peh gonna spend 60k. You really can put a price on love in modern Malaysia especially the chinese community. The biggest shock for me was the number of couples and parents who went into debt for the wedding.
I am not married, so I don't know how much it cost. But based on my judgment and a little survey, the cost of an average wedding is around 25k ( Ringgit Malaysia ). Most couples would have to work a year to pay for that one day. Why not just take a year off work and spend it together? Am sure you would manage to create a few good memories. What would you rather remember? The week you went camping and shagged on the beach or getting Aunty Mary to put in her false teeth for the church family picture.
The best weddings, I think, have very little to do with abalone or shark fin soup. For me it is all about a relaxed, happy and palpably in love couple sharing their day with close family and friends. Forget about large crowd, make it average but make sure everyone knows each other and let the bar free and flowing. You don't need a Porsche, a champagne reception and all the other things that now seem to be so important. The most important is the quality time spent with your love one and family.
[1:22 PM]
Saturday, November 03, 2007
Committing Suicide
"I want to die," these are words that I have felt more than once. This is the season where I am sure many people have also considered taking their own life. The pressure of gift giving, family life and the pressures of everyday life could be an important factor as to why there are people trying to commit suicide.
From small till now I consider committing suicide as a dumb act. I never did but I certainly felt jaded at the world and hopeless out of control of my own life and desperate to end the pain and too confused to go on living and all sorts of other stupid things I still can't put words to it. In some ways I wonder if thinking about suicide so much wasn't a way I gained control over life. I would never judge somebody else for having those kinds of thoughts because for the first time in my life, I am actually thinking about committing suicide. I would never tell what's right and what's wrong but I wonder if there isn't a small part of me that really wants to seek out a different path. Maybe there's a small part of me that really wants to live and experience life and somehow deal with all the pain.
As I sit here trying to think of what to say about my suicidal feelings I just can't seem to bring any coherence to them. It's like I can't figure out how it used to make so much sense even though I 'm sure it did to me. I guess the main reason I considered committing suicide was that I couldn't see any other possible solution and suicide was one of those solutions I really could control. I tried all sorts of things like repressing all of my emotions acting happy believing this is how life should be and so on. But really all those solutions were patchwork; nothing fundamentally changed. And that's what made suicide feel so right. It would be a REAL change. But maybe I just was too scared to try it because I still never actually killed myself.
I'm not killing myself just because i failed. Well i wont do that. I think suicide is just a coward way of escaping life. No, I'll fight this. I'll do my best to suceed. I wont give up on my life.
[3:09 AM]
Friday, November 02, 2007
My Last Day At Work
Yesterday was my last day at work and while it's exciting to be moving on, it's more than a little sad to say goodbye to the fine people I work with, and the people I interact with day to day. It's a day that's equal parts sanguine and melancholy. Went out for lunch with my co-workers, so call farewell lunch. Had a grilled chicken steak, it was good, deeply and richly satisfying.
Like any breakup, it was hard to make the decision, and I didn't take it lightly. I like this job and much like a first serious relationship, it was hard to call it quits. Days like this always feel weird and sad. Weird because you're leaving something you've come to know so well to venture off into a somehow unknown future, sad because you're leaving behind a load of memories and mainly because you know you'll be missing the people, you actually spent most of your day with for a period of time.
I guess it's always the people you get to know, how they touch your life, the different relationships you build with them, the good times, and even the not so good ones, that gets to you.
Why did I take this step? Well, I guess, I just felt the time was right to move on, all the omens were right, maybe the stars were in place too or whatever else you believe in. It just falls into my basic strategy of trying to set clearer goals for myself in life and to take the steps I see necessary to reach them. Moving on to something else in my career life was simply one of those steps.
I'd like to thank all the guys at work for the great ride. It was great getting to know you all and to get a chance to work with every single one of you. I hope that we'll get to carry our personal relationships well on into the future.
I'd like to thank the company for having me as part of the team. I'm proud of all the time that I spent in it, the role I had and the work I did. I'm very happy to see the company growing further and going on to higher grounds.
So what's next? I don't know. I'm too much of a wimp to be a test pilot. Too short to play pro-basketball. Too heavy to be a jockey. I've got a perfect face for Mr. Ugly magazine and a voice for Malaysian Idol ( rejected one ). We shall see.
[3:54 AM]