"Open up and say AAaaaAhhHhh!!!~!~"

I am attempting to write about something I long for, silence.

Truth be told, anyone who is close to me will tell you, I am terrible at silence. Its not exactly like prayer where I can get a free pass and claim the little thoughts, intentional moments, conversational talking with God - prayer. No silence is... well, silent.

No clacking of the keys on the computer, not even staring at the screen to read - it creates sound within. The obvious - no music to help me get in the mood for silence.

I love it, when it comes. But I can admit freely here that I think it scares the shit out of me. I fear what inner voices I'll have to wade though to get to the true quiet. I strangely feel drawn to make the journey to the quiet, and relish when it comes. But I find myself surprised by the void, the open space, when it comes. I sort of flounder about, wondering what it is that I need to fill up that space. This was the case for me tonite. Silence came. I sat with it for about 1 hour, before I got gear up.

I know I have been behaving pretty aggressive lately. I have been selfish, self-centered, doing and thinking for only me. I have judged everyone, demanded they give me what I want and threw horrid temper tantrums when things haven't gone my way. I have broken all the rules, done everything in rebellion, and hurt so many good people along the way. I see the error of my ways.

I've left you feeling unrequited and alone, brought you to tears. Words will not be able to ever express how sorry I am for this, and I have profound regret and sorrow for the multitude of mistakes and harm I have caused. I also apologize for not appreciating how you may feel about an issue or words that someone said. I regret not seeing the world through your eyes and failing to open my heart to your suffering. I am sorry. As I scar you, I scar myself.