"Open up and say AAaaaAhhHhh!!!~!~"

"I want to die," these are words that I have felt more than once. This is the season where I am sure many people have also considered taking their own life. The pressure of gift giving, family life and the pressures of everyday life could be an important factor as to why there are people trying to commit suicide.

From small till now I consider committing suicide as a dumb act. I never did but I certainly felt jaded at the world and hopeless out of control of my own life and desperate to end the pain and too confused to go on living and all sorts of other stupid things I still can't put words to it. In some ways I wonder if thinking about suicide so much wasn't a way I gained control over life. I would never judge somebody else for having those kinds of thoughts because for the first time in my life, I am actually thinking about committing suicide. I would never tell what's right and what's wrong but I wonder if there isn't a small part of me that really wants to seek out a different path. Maybe there's a small part of me that really wants to live and experience life and somehow deal with all the pain.

As I sit here trying to think of what to say about my suicidal feelings I just can't seem to bring any coherence to them. It's like I can't figure out how it used to make so much sense even though I 'm sure it did to me. I guess the main reason I considered committing suicide was that I couldn't see any other possible solution and suicide was one of those solutions I really could control. I tried all sorts of things like repressing all of my emotions acting happy believing this is how life should be and so on. But really all those solutions were patchwork; nothing fundamentally changed. And that's what made suicide feel so right. It would be a REAL change. But maybe I just was too scared to try it because I still never actually killed myself.

I'm not killing myself just because i failed. Well i wont do that. I think suicide is just a coward way of escaping life. No, I'll fight this. I'll do my best to suceed. I wont give up on my life.