"Open up and say AAaaaAhhHhh!!!~!~"

Shits always come together, all together at the same time. There has been a spate of troubles in my family and my own personal life lately. I wish that it was all just a dream and it never actually occurred. I was once a vibrant individual that was highly motivated and confident, not anymore. I am not writing this because I pity myself and want other people to join in and pity me. I have never felt so depressed before in my whole entire life. I guess the reason I'm posting this is simply because I feel so empty inside.

I feel like I am nothing. Nobody. A washed up shell which once, long ago, housed a soul. Now, I am useless. Without value to anyone. Due to my strong demeanor it is hard for some to believe that I actually cry. Last night I got into bed really late. As I lay there, trying to form shapes out of the ethereal smoke that lifted into nothingness, I realized how tired I was. The numbness came over me like a blanket of wave washing over the formless, yet distinct, shoreline. A few repetitive strokes and all that was awake was my wandering mind. Sleep, I thought would come naturally, but it didn’t. The uninvited guest, however, was tears. Dumb ass. And as it overwhelmed by my weaker side I fuxin smirked and shrugged to shake off the sudden ache that was growing inside me. But, uninvited guests, as they always say, don’t necessarily leave when asked to. And so, as the fuxin story unfolds, the tears rolled down my cheeks, meandering their way through the contours of my fuxin face and my pillow. They continued, beyond a point where they controlled me and I had succumbed to the void and emptiness that had originally forced those fuxin tears out of me. With eyes moist and salt streaks on my cheeks I gave into the tiredness and drifted, like floating over clouds of loss and despair, yet a strange sense of hope and depravity. The next thing I remember is waking up and wishing I would have stay fuxin asleep forever.

I was starting to feel better today and the fever went down a few degrees after writing this. And when I thought I was about to get better - it became worse again. Plus I am so tired that I cannot stay awake for more than an hour few times a day. I have no idea what's happening to me. But at moments like these, I just try to reflect on the things I have done. And today the tears are falling anew.