"Open up and say AAaaaAhhHhh!!!~!~"

I’ve been very busy this week. It’s been sort of a tough transition for me to go from shaking my ass everyday to getting up early every morning and having a full day of busy work. I like my new job but however, I’m hating the reality of it. I’m not sure if that makes any sense. Anyway, I feel like I was sort of cheated and roped into accepting this position. But then again, everyone has to go through this shit...work sux!

In other news, I have been so emotional lately. Yah guys do emo too. My emotions have been all over the place. At times, suicidal thoughts pop into my head. At other times, like when I’m at work, my mind just strayed away to something else and my eyes will glued to the wall looking at nothing for several minutes. I keep making excuses for myself and I don’t know why. I feel so tired. I’m avoiding phone calls, people, everything, I don’t know what has me so afraid.

Anyway, I wanna wish a happy fuxing belated birthday to an asshole I know since the age of 7. HAPPY FUXING BELATED BIRTHDAY DONNIE NG CHICKEN WING!!!!

Do you believe in karma? I am starting to believe it. If you do good things, good things will happen to you - if you do bad things, bad things will happen to you. In other word, if you have been an asshole like me, those shits gonna come back to you in one big pile. Of course, good things should happen to good people, and bad things should happen to bad people. Though in real life that is not a guarantee. That bad things happen to good people, and that bad people get away with evil deeds everyday are a given. One good living example of bad people is Donz, he is still very much alive till today. And the argument is even more stark when you include babies and children. They get born with defects, they go hungry, they get abused, they fall ill and they die. If you believe in karma, then you must believe that they have somehow brought it on themselves. How do you reconcile that? Number one, "DO NO EVIL, DON'T BE AN ASSHOLE" and secondly "ASSHOLES get neither forgiveness nor mercy". To a lesser extent, that’s how I also deal with people who’ve crossed or wronged me. I don’t wish them harm, but they get excised out of my life completely. They abuse my friendship, so they should lose it. What goes around comes around, that is something that I have learned through experience.

Talking bout friends, your friend will change, you will change, everyone will change. I have a tight-knit group of friends that I have been close to for the past few years. They've been a great support to me during this time, but lately something is different. I'm not sure if I've changed or if they have, but we just don't seem to get together that often anymore. Everyone is busy between work and own personal life ( wife, kids etc. )and I haven't been able to spend much time with them. I don't have many other people I can turn to when I'm down. It's not all too uncommon for friends to drift apart as life gets in the way. Here's something I found on the web :

Depression is a notorious assassin, it causes the death of the heart. Leaving you clueless of its attack and it strikes when you least expect it. For the non toxic kind, it leaves the heart restless. You feel that the whole world is crushing down on you and nothing is as important as before. In a real dark night of the soul it is always three o'clock in the morning, day after day after day. You feel the cold breeze and silent whispers of loneliness and isolation. Despair is the price one pays for setting oneself an impossible aim.

This grief can't be shared. Everyone carries it alone, his own burden, his own way. Though happiness is beneficial to the body, it is grief that develops the powers of the mind. What cruelty can lead to this ill feeling? Does loving someone so deep and true more than yourself cause such pain? Missing someone so near to your heart? Losing someone or something important to you? Failing someone or something? Jealousy? Betrayal? Being betrayed? Rejection?...

But still...
I think if there's a great depression there might be some hope. You grope towards an understanding of whatever it is your going through, and it's not personal, there are forces in play around you, and you seek to understand them and that way you can go on. I am still hopeful that one day, all of this will go away, and everything will be back to normal. You may not know it, but at the far end of despair, there is a white clearing where one is almost happy. To get there is an effort one has to acquire. It is helpful to have faithful and honest friends by my side, to support me and counsel me in times of trouble. And at the end, all this will be a thing of the past that will teach me to be wiser and stronger.

Man...I just discovered a very disturbing truth: I DON'T FUXING KNOW WHAT I'M WRITING! Now, I have difficulty thinking, concentrating, remembering and making decisions. I'm not taking it very well. I may be over-reacting. But a lot of small shit quickly builds up to a big mess. Maybe so quickly that I didn't notice.